{"id":2830,"date":"2012-05-17T10:00:51","date_gmt":"2012-05-17T14:00:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fashionwithaconscience.org\/?p=2830"},"modified":"2012-05-17T10:00:51","modified_gmt":"2012-05-17T14:00:51","slug":"infected-blood-and-crazed-thoughts","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.fashionwithaconscience.org\/consciousandchic\/infected-blood-and-crazed-thoughts\/","title":{"rendered":"Skin Struggles: Infected Blood and Crazed Thoughts"},"content":{"rendered":"

My name is Nono Osuji and in<\/em>\u00c2\u00a0Skin Struggles<\/a>\u00c2\u00a0I recount my personal experience and struggle with Lupus. Welcome to the 3rd post on my ongoing journey.\u00c2\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
\n<\/a><\/p>\n

After my emotional\u00c2\u00a0appointment<\/a> with the dermatologist all I could do is wait, but there is a virtue of patience that comes with waiting that I had not yet acquired at that time.\u00c2\u00a0 I also intentionally neglected to get the blood test, mostly because they freak me out and I didn’t want to know the results.\u00c2\u00a0 Despite my family’s assurance that it was nothing, and that the dermatologist was an\u00c2\u00a0imbecile for even suggesting such a thing; \u00c2\u00a0I felt differently in my gut and I was trying to avoid the inevitable.\u00c2\u00a0 So\u00c2\u00a0in the\u00c2\u00a0meantime as I waited\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0to hear back from the dermatologist about my biopsy I waited and while waiting I drove myself absolutely crazy.<\/p>\n

I conjured up all types of stories in my head about how Lupus<\/a> was going to take my life.\u00c2\u00a0 I played slow,\u00c2\u00a0depressing music that usually\u00c2\u00a0lead to me acting out some corresponding,\u00c2\u00a0dramatic music video,\u00c2\u00a0and I envisioned my funeral and wept as I saw my mother weeping.\u00c2\u00a0 I played out the eulogy that would be given by my sister and brothers in my head as a 50 piece orchestra played in the background;\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0it was beautiful.\u00c2\u00a0 Where or how they got the orchestra I did\u00c2\u00a0not know, my visions had absolutely no reason or logic to them.\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0As I indulged my dramatic, emotional side physically things were not getting better either. \u00c2\u00a0It didn’t help my insanity that my skin was getting worse, and I started to feel very feverish, weak, fatigued,\u00c2\u00a0and could barely eat.\u00c2\u00a0 I tried to go on with\u00c2\u00a0life as if this, what then seemed like a death sentence, wasn’t hanging over my head.\u00c2\u00a0 I also decided to get my blood test after almost 2 weeks of not hearing\u00c2\u00a0from the\u00c2\u00a0dermatologist.\u00c2\u00a0 They usually say\u00c2\u00a0no news is good\u00c2\u00a0news from a doctor so I\u00c2\u00a0started to relax a little more about the prospect of my diagnosis and\u00c2\u00a0had almost gone back to\u00c2\u00a0feeling\u00c2\u00a0 normal, mentally anyway.\u00c2\u00a0 Although the rashes were now more frequently\u00c2\u00a0appearing on my\u00c2\u00a0arms, I saw it\u00c2\u00a0as a freak incident, an allergic\u00c2\u00a0reaction to some external\u00c2\u00a0source that would soon\u00c2\u00a0resolve itself.\u00c2\u00a0 I was functioning\u00c2\u00a0until the day I went to get my blood test.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I visited a lab in the neighborhood of Chelsea in Manhattan.\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 The lab was a dark and dingy basement office, that wreaked of\u00c2\u00a0negative news and positive blood tests.\u00c2\u00a0 I shared the waiting room with two flamboyantly gay males, who wouldn’t stop laughing and talking\u00c2\u00a0and a tired looking elderly woman, who ate what I could only assume to be old pieces candy out of her purse and watched the\u00c2\u00a0old television set in the waiting room\u00c2\u00a0intently.\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0I stared\u00c2\u00a0at these three people, wondering what they were there for, and as time passed I grew annoyed with them as I waited.\u00c2\u00a0 I was annoyed by the fact that they didn’t appear to share my anxiety and anguish.\u00c2\u00a0 Before I had acquired a complete disdain for the other people in the room, the nurse called me into the examination\u00c2\u00a0room.\u00c2\u00a0 My palms were sweating and I thought that I was going to faint.\u00c2\u00a0 I pictured myself walking in slow motion, like a solider who was going to battle on the field; I even envisioned wind blowing my hair about, I was getting delirious.<\/p>\n

I sat down\u00c2\u00a0in the elementary school\u00c2\u00a0like chair, and put my arm out for her to draw blood from and handed her the order from the doctor with the other.\u00c2\u00a0 She didn’t seem too moved by my situation, although I knew that she shouldn’t have been as this is her job and she does this all day, everyday, I wanted her to have pity on me and my situation.\u00c2\u00a0 Her eyes softened a bit when she raised my sleeve and saw some of the rashes, I decided to go for full sympathy, and\u00c2\u00a0removed\u00c2\u00a0the\u00c2\u00a0sweater I was wearing.\u00c2\u00a0 I had started to\u00c2\u00a0wear\u00c2\u00a0cardigans\u00c2\u00a0despite the unnatural heat that NYC was experiencing during that time in an\u00c2\u00a0attempt\u00c2\u00a0 to cover up the ugly appearance of my arms\u00c2\u00a0due to the rashes<\/a>.\u00c2\u00a0 Oh did I forget to mention that this happened in late May?<\/p>\n

Besides a few words of encouragement and some brief banter about the heat little else was said, well it may have been, but after a she started to draw my blood,\u00c2\u00a0I was not paying much attention anymore.\u00c2\u00a0 As the blood started to fill the little glass vile, all I could hear replaying in my head was, \u00c2\u00a0“look at that infected blood, I wonder what it is infected with?”\u00c2\u00a0 I tried staring really hard at my blood to see if I could detect any of the disease, but it looked like regular dark red\u00c2\u00a0blood, but to me I knew better.\u00c2\u00a0 After\u00c2\u00a0what felt like an hour of torture, with me looking almost cross-eyed staring at my blood so hard and the taunting voices in my head.\u00c2\u00a0 I mustered up a\u00c2\u00a0half-smile, and\u00c2\u00a0thanked her for her kindness and ran out of the bad news basement.\u00c2\u00a0 My stomach was turning and I was feeling dizzy and anxious.\u00c2\u00a0 I did not have a good feeling about this at all, I looked around the street and saw so many people enjoying their lives and each other and I envied them.\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0So I gathered my thoughts, and\u00c2\u00a0pondered what my next move would be.\u00c2\u00a0 I could go back home, but\u00c2\u00a0instead I did\u00c2\u00a0the only thing that made any sense to me at that time.\u00c2\u00a0 I went to eat some nachos and\u00c2\u00a0drink margaritas…\u00c2\u00a0 I can always stomach Mexican food.<\/p>\n

In case you missed it:<\/strong><\/p>\n

Skin Struggles Part 2: I have what?<\/a><\/p>\n

Skin Struggles Part 1: Getting to know me… In the beginning there was no Lupus<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My name is Nono Osuji and in\u00c2\u00a0Skin Struggles\u00c2\u00a0I recount my personal experience and struggle with Lupus. 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